My Fear
A great deal has happened over the last couple months. Please excuse my infrequent blogging, but I have been examining my "so called life" and forced to make some important decisions. After four months and two weeks of my "hopeless romantic struggle to find professional happiness in a capitalistic society," I have officially "sold out!" I took a full-time job simply to pay the rent. I know what you all are thinking...What happened to the brave girl who quit her job because she refused to be an unhappy 22 year-old 9-6 cubicle freak? Or where is that girl who decided to give up her comfortable lifestyle to pursue her little girl dream? When did that girl, who gave me hope that pursing a dream was difficult yet possible, become like everyone else?
I ask myself the same questions.
Did I see myself as wasting my time and through it all losing my spirit? Was I dreaming too big? Did I yearn for instant gratification in the form of a wool Stella McCartney inspired oversized winter coat?
It was all that and more.
I was scared of being one of those people who made a life changing decision to live in the moment and follow their heart, but twenty years later had nothing to show for it. We all know those people. They seem great-Living on the edge, making spontaneous decisions, accepting nothing but their idealistic view of how the world should be. You consider them to be incredibly amazing in their twenties and perhaps even dedicated in their thirties. But, when they hit forty and fifty talking should of, would of, could of, it's down right pathetic. I just didn't want to be that girl. I was scared of forgetting what it was like to be financially independent. I was scared of disappointing people that believed in me and my success. I was scared of dreaming about a reality that did not truly exist. Most importantly, I was scared of failing myself.
But the funny thing about fear is that it never goes away. It may hide but you can count on fear to resurface with new and improved issues and doubts. Now the only thing I'm scared of is being regretful in my forties as I converse with an “incredibly amazing dedicated successful woman" who made a life changing decision to work hard to make her dream a reality and was never overcome by fears of failure.
I ask myself the same questions.
Did I see myself as wasting my time and through it all losing my spirit? Was I dreaming too big? Did I yearn for instant gratification in the form of a wool Stella McCartney inspired oversized winter coat?
It was all that and more.
I was scared of being one of those people who made a life changing decision to live in the moment and follow their heart, but twenty years later had nothing to show for it. We all know those people. They seem great-Living on the edge, making spontaneous decisions, accepting nothing but their idealistic view of how the world should be. You consider them to be incredibly amazing in their twenties and perhaps even dedicated in their thirties. But, when they hit forty and fifty talking should of, would of, could of, it's down right pathetic. I just didn't want to be that girl. I was scared of forgetting what it was like to be financially independent. I was scared of disappointing people that believed in me and my success. I was scared of dreaming about a reality that did not truly exist. Most importantly, I was scared of failing myself.
But the funny thing about fear is that it never goes away. It may hide but you can count on fear to resurface with new and improved issues and doubts. Now the only thing I'm scared of is being regretful in my forties as I converse with an “incredibly amazing dedicated successful woman" who made a life changing decision to work hard to make her dream a reality and was never overcome by fears of failure.
posted by Mrs. J.Young at 7:21 AM
1 Comments:
WOW! Amazing post, beautifully written...glad you're back.
Post a Comment
<< Home